-Tim Allen

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

-Henny Youngman

"You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish."

-Jerry Seinfeld

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."

-Bob Hope

"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."

-Thom Sharp

"This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select a Miss America, we get 50."

-Jay Leno

"I figure you have the same chance of winning lottery whether you play or not."

-Fran Lebowitz

"Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend."

-Zenna Schaffer

"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."

-Woddy Allen

"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them."

-Bette Midler

"I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time."

-Marilyn Monroe

"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better."

-Maureen Murphy

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."

-Sam Levenson

"If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?"

-Vince Lombardi